Deep Breaths

"Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful." ~ Buddha

Once again, I know it has been a while since I've posted. I've been going through so much........I don't know........inner turmoil lately. Lots of anxiety & panic over all sorts of stuff, especially work. I've not been myself. I've been depressed. I wake up every morning with the only things that are making me glad are Skip, Lucy (our dog), Stella (our cat)........& that I'm still alive......still.....sometimes.....I wonder.

There are days that I am absolutely terrified to go into work. There are times that I want to just stay in the Tarrytown area, where I feel "safe". The way I've been feeling/acting/panicking has not only myself, but others concerned apparently.

I need some time off from work to shake it all out of my head & get back to real life, but I don't know how long that is or what it means exactly. I wish I could go to Montauk for at least a few days to be alone where I love it the most & meditate by the ocean.

I don't know what to do for myself or feel anymore really...........

Head Noise

I'm still out here. Just been having a hard time lately. Tons of what I'm calling "head noise." Anxiety. Panic attacks daily. Must clear it out. I'm seeing the shrink Monday morning. May need meds to be altered. Will update on Wednesday when I've got more time.

I'm sorry I've been so quiet lately.

Is there anybody still out there?

Maybe I'm too boring/repetitive/depressing & should quit this blog.

Self affirmations are not working/worthless right now.

Anybody else having a hard time or "head noise" lately?

Why do I feel so alone?

Anybody out there?

Hello?

Echo......echo.......echo.......

Nerves

I've been getting more & more nervous as the day approaches for my hand surgery (which is this Friday, if you haven't read my previous post). It comes in waves & I find myself having panic attacks that come out of nowhere, with absolutely no warning. Other times, I'm OK & am kinda glad to be getting it over with. Weird.

I'm due at the ambulatory surgery suite at 9:10 (they made it a little earlier on me) & my parents will be there in the waiting room during the surgery. Skip will be at the store (which is only about 10 or 15 minutes away), not because he doesn't want to be at the hospital, but: 1) someone needs to be at the store & have it open; 2) it's the only way to keep his mind occupied so that he doesn't have a panic attack of his own from worry. When I'm all done, my mom will take me right home, my dad will go take the store over from Skip, who'll then leave right away to drive home, stopping only at either Walgreen's or CVS to get any prescriptions I might have, filled.

I'm not sure when I'll be able to post anything or e-mail anyone, as I'm just not sure how my hand is going to be or even how I'm feeling in general, but I'll try to update y'all as soon as possible. Maybe Skip will be a dear & let me dictate something to him. (Love you, honey...my dear, sweet, handsome, smart hubby!)

In the meantime, I'm trying to get some cooking & laundry done, so I don't have to worry about that for several days.

Catch y'all soon!