Mixed Emotions...

As I sit here writing this, I can't help but think about what could have been & am so thankful that it's not. But...what could've been keeps popping into my head.

Let me back up a little & explain. I've had a "lump" (for lack of a better word) in the palm of my right hand for the past 3 1/2 ~ 4 years that started out the size of a lima bean. I had an MRI done on it in October, 2004, & it was diagnosed as a ganglion cyst which is described as the following: "A ganglion cyst is a tumor or swelling on top of a joint or the covering of a tendon (tissue that connects muscle to bone). It looks like a sac of liquid (cyst). Inside the cyst is a thick, sticky, clear, colorless, jellylike material. Depending on the size, cysts may feel firm or spongy." In essence, it was nothing to worry about ~ not cancerous, etc ~ & no surgery needed to be done unless the thing grew and/or gave me pain or limited what I could do.

Well...the "cyst" has since grown to a lump nearly the size of my entire palm. It either hurts me or makes my hand & fingers numb & tingly; it has gotten to the point where it does limit what I can do with that hand (& being a righty doesn't help matters). I went to a orthopaedist near where I work on December 17th ~ he's partners with the head of the department in the local hospital & another doctor ~ & point blank, with little feeling or concern & after only feeling my hand for a couple of moments, told me that it's either a lipoma or a lipocarcoma. I asked him, "lipocarcoma, that sounds like cancer. Is that what you're telling me?" "Yes," he said. I then asked him, "well, what does that mean? What happens?" I fully expected him to say that the lipocarcoma (or tumor) would be removed & I'd have to go through chemo and/or radiation. All he said was "you'd lose your arm." It hit me like a ton of bricks...I didn't know what to say. No mention of chemo/radiation; no "you'd only lose your arm in a worst case scenario;" just plain & simple "you'd lose your arm." WTF??? He then told me that I'd need to have an MRI done & we'd go from there.

I've since had the MRI done & went back to the doctor's office, but saw the 3rd partner in this practice. He was very kind & gentle & told me happily that it wasn't cancer & was indeed either a ganglion cyst or the lipoma (which is described as "A lipoma is a common, benign tumor composed of fatty tissue. Lipomas are soft to the touch, usually moveable, and are generally painless. They grow very slowly...") & that it could be removed easily since it was all sitting on top of any tendons & arteries/veins.

Sooooo....this Friday, January 4th at 10:40 am, I check into the hospital for same day surgery on my hand. I won't be under a general anesthesia thankfully. They'll give me some medicine to make me a little drowsy & a little loopier than I normally am & then put a "block" in my shoulder to numb the entire arm. I'll have a whole bunch of stiches, starting in my wrist & travelling up into the palm of my hand & I'll have to wear some sort of brace on my hand/wrist. 7 ~ 10 days later I'll have the stiches out & start to exercise my hand. I'm so happy that the nice doctor will be doing the surgery & that he's also a plastic surgeon, so that the scars won't be too hideous. I'm so thankful to whoever was watching out for me from up above that it wasn't cancer & yet so angry at the one doctor for telling me this & in the manner he did it ~ I had to go through Christmas with these doubts & worries in the back of my head.

I haven't mentioned any of this before now because I didn't want to alarm anyone needlessly. I guess I didn't want to think about more than necessary myself either. I wanted to know exactly what I was dealing with before I wrote about it here. I also haven't wanted to make a big deal out of it & draw attention to myself ~ that isn't even the point of my posting now ~ just wanted to fill you all in. I do post this with a picture of blue skies because I feel like there is some sort of a silver lining to the cloud that has been following me for just over a week.

I'll try to post again before the surgery, but I'm not sure if I'll have the time. I will update after the surgery, but give me some time. I'm not sure how much pain I'll be in or even how well I'll be able to type.

In the meantime, I wish you all a great 2008! Hugz to you all!!!

ZZZZZzzzzzzz.....

Yes...I'm being lazy today & proud of it! I've done virtually nothing so far (it's now almost 5:00 pm), except sleep until about 1:30 or so. I haven't slept that late since I was a teenager or very sick. Guess the ol' body just needed it.

We had a great day yesterday, but very long. My family was here from 4:30 until close to midnight & I didn't unwind & go to sleep until 2:00~ish. Lots of great food, presents, company...the best way to spend Christmas.

I'll post a picture or 2...or 3...another time, but my brain just isn't functioning (still!).

Hope you all had a fabulous Christmas!

To all my friends & family out there...

Wishing you all the best this Christmas & in the new year!

A Gaggle of Questions!

My dear friend, Carly, is playing along with the whole "Ask Aunt Nub" game & has asked me a whole gaggle of questions for me to answer this Christmas Eve. As usual, I should be doing the last of my wrapping & getting ready for Christmas...but I'd rather answer these right now. Thanks for the questions, Carly!

1. If you could be any one of Santa's Reindeer, other then Rudolph, which one would you like to be? The first one that entered my mind was Vixen...always wanted to be considered a sexy thing! LOL

2. What is your favorite song? I've got a lot, don't know if I could narrow it down. I guess it depends on my mood.

3. If you could be in charge of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, what new balloon would you add? Hmmmmmm...good question. A giant, beautiful butterfly perhaps.

4. If you could have one famous person, living or dead, over for the holidays, who would it be? Lauren Bacall has always fascinated me, plus she reminds me so much of my Aunt Elaine who passed away in 1993.

5. David Duchovny or Dylan McDermott? David Duchovny...but I'd much rather choose Vincent D'Onofrio. ;)

6. Chocolate Mousse or Chocolate dipped strawberries? Mmmmmm...both good choices, but I'd pick the chocolate mousse.

7. Where oh where has my little dog gone? (Have fun with that one!) "Oh where, oh where can he beWith his ears cut short and his tail cut longOh where, oh where can he be?" Perhaps Lucy is staring at her stocking, wondering what Santa has brought her this year. Either that, or she's harassing her sister, Stella, the cat.

8. If you could have a completely different name, what would it be? Victoria Marie & I'd call myself Tory. However...Mom, if you're reading this...I do love my full name, Elizabeth Ann.

9. What is fantasy gift would you like to receive for Christmas? A fully decked out giant~sized RV, so I could travel around the country with Skip, following the good weather.

10. If you could go on any game show, which one would it be? Deal or No Deal fascinates me & I'd like to think I'd do OK on it. Plus I've always liked Howie Mandell.

11. If you could own an exotic animal, which one would it be? Two total opposites here...either a big beautiful cat, like a Jaguar, or a monkey of some sort.

Feel free to play along & answer the same questions, either here or on your own journal/blog. Consider yourself tagged! Please feel free to ask more questions, even if you've already asked one!!!!

Now I really must go & get stuff accomplished. Merry Christmas Eve everyone!

Merry Christmas Eve Eve!

Here it is, Christmas Eve Eve already. Tomorrow night I go to my mother~in~law's house like we do every year to celebrate Christmas with Skip's family & exchange presents with her, my sister~in~law, brother~in~law, niece & nephew & what have I done in regards to wrapping? Nothing. I've got 4 or 5 presents wrapped & I don't think any of them need to go with me tomorrow night.

::::big sigh::::

We picked up the lasagne that we ordered from a local place that makes the best pasta & will have that plus chicken & prosciutto tortellini, lemon chicken, garlic bread (all from that same place) & salad for dinner on Christmas day when my family comes over to our house.

I'm prepared in just about every way...in every way but the wrapping. I'm going to have to enlist Skip to help me & some of the presents will have to go into bags with tissue paper or funky cloth bags called Wrapsacks. Tomorrow, Skip is opening the store for 1/2 a day (10:00 ~ 1:00) on his own (I'm staying home), so I'll be able to get his stuff wrapped while he's gone & also do some last minute cleaning/organizing.

Thankfully, we're closed not only on Tuesday for Christmas, but on Wednesday, too. I desperately need these next 3 days off, not only to enjoy the holiday, but for my own sanity...you know...a little relaxation, whatever the heck that is. Maybe I'll get a little time to catch up on my stuff that I TiVo'd. In the meantime....don't anyone dare tell me what's going on this season on "Project Runway" because I haven't watched a single episode....they're all sitting there on the TiVo waiting for me with a ton of other shows.

Since I do have the next 3 days off, I'll be able to post more.......so somebody, anybody, send me some questions...anything you like, doesn't only have to be holiday related...just ask away!

Insane in the membrane...

I must be insane in the brain...or something like it. I'm in need of a full frontal lobotomy tonight. "Why" you ask? Because I had a doctor's appointment this morning at 10:30, so I decided it would be today, 1 week exactly before Christmas, that I would take off & jam the remains of the Christmas shopping (which was just about ALL of it) into 1 freakin' day.

I did a few odd stops at stores along the way, but most of the shopping was done at the Palisades Center (a H-U-G-E mall about 15 minutes away from my house). Unfortunately, I think most of Westchester County & Rockland County was there, too, with the same thing in mind. I circled the parking lot like a vulture, following anybody coming out with packages, ready to swoop in & fight off anybody else trying to get into that spot. I parked so dang far away, I might as well have parked at home & hoofed it. Y'all would've laughed your butts off watching me struggle to the car at the end of the day with all of my packages & having people in cars follow me.

99.9999999% of the shopping is done (just 1 last easy present), it needs to be wrapped, & I'm exhausted. Next year I plan better...............

My Turn/Your Turn

My Turn: I am a creature of comfort, routine, structure, ritual. I sit down at my computer in a certain way. I lie on the couch in a certain way. My bathroom routine at bedtime is very specific. My "morning stuff" around the kitchen follows the same pattern every morning before I toddle back upstairs to shower & dress. I feel funny in the morning when I get to work if I don't get to sit down with my not~toasted, buttered bagel & check my e-mails & really let it sink in that I'm at work & that it's a retail store. I don't think of myself as the stereotypical O.C.D. person, but I probably have some of those tendencies. I even wonder sometimes if I've got a mild form of Asperger's, but never diagnosed. I have some of those tendencies, too. I do know that I've got B.P.D. (Borderline Personality Disorder) & a social phobia (not easy to deal with when working retail). One bedtime ritual that I must always do, just to ease my own mind because you never know, is to tell Skip that I love him "forever and a chopstick" (meaning all that plus a little bit more) & he says it back to me. I don't think I could fall asleep without telling him that.

Your Turn: Do you currently or have you ever had any routines or rituals that comfort you?